The Three Blogeteers

Nobody

2004-07-09T19:46:00.000-04:00

The nicest thing about being a nobody is that I'm the most well known nobody there is. People come up to me all the time saying, "I don't know you, do I?" To this I will shake my head and say, "Sorry, never seen you either."

Difference is, I get it all the time. Sometimes I think I have this aura about me that says Hey, nobody here knows me, you should say 'hi' and mention that fact.

Women seem to notice this fact more than anyone else. Sometimes I'll pass one, nod at one or wink at one and the last thing I'll hear is, "You are the biggest nobody I've ever seen." Mary-Kate Olsen said this to me one time and I told her, "Well at least I have a body, what's your excuse?"

She checked herself into the some clinic the next day. So sad when that happens.

Last night I purchased a Chick-Fil-A Charbroiled chicken sandwich and then went across the street to McDonalds to eat it. I don't know why people were looking at me funny. Must have been that 'nobody' complex of mine. The little 18 year old girl who was running the place at the time came over to me and suggested that I either buy something on their menu or to please leave. I asked her why on this Earth would I want to put anything MickyD's has to offer inside my body? She didn't reply right away, only blinking at me several times as if her brain had to reboot or something. Finally she insisted I could not eat my Chick-Fil-A sandwich in her restaurant. I asked why. She said that it was not proper. I asked her when proper made any kind of difference specifically pointing out the fact that she had at least five pierced areas on her face and that if I had walked into the store with my old friend Magneto that her place would no longer be on her knees in the back office sucking the cock of the newest dishwasher to be hired by the almighty Arches.

Then she threatened to call the police and I knew that this was my que to leave. I love chicken, beef is okay, but most pork products usually have me barfing in a matter of minutes.

With time to kill I drove at to Casey Key (seriously, there is such a place off the Florida Suncoast where I live. I am not making it up. If you don't believe me, look at this web page) to see if Stephen King was in town. The security guard at the gated entrance usually lets me in off season because my name is the same as the island's.

I knocked on Stevie's door a few times till he opened it, dressed in the discolored robs he typically wears when not expecting company. "Oh, Casey. What do you want?" He asked.

"Nothing, I'm bored. Thought maybe you'd like to play a round of horseshoes or something." I said. Stephen leaned in his doorway and pondered my suggestion.

"Well," he began. "I don't feel at all up to getting dressed again. I just had a shower. Maybe you'd like to play some cards instead? We could get some guys together for some Hearts or Spades."

"Works for me. Who did you have in mind?"

"Well, I know Steven Tyler is in town. He lives just up the road there," King said in his noticeably Maine accent, pointing up the road.

"Eh, Aerosmith sucks." I interrupted.

"True," King agreed. "But Steve Tyler is one hell of a nice guy, plus I know he's got Liv over for the weekend."

"Say no more." I said sternly putting my hand on his should.

King smiled. "Yeah, I thought you might like that. I could also get a hold of Joyce Brothers, Monica Seles, Tom Cruise and maybe Michael Douglas."

"Skip the doc and the tennis gal," I said. "I used to be neighbors with Monica when I lived in Laurel Oak. She doesn't play cards. Tom might be fun and Mikey can come only if he brings Cathy with him."

"Let's do it then," King said. "Come on in while I make a few phone calls."

And this is how I dropped Tom Cruise by making him eat the Queen of Spades three time in a row. The forth time the fucker Shot The Moon with Mikey helping him on the side. It didn't matter though. I got to sit next to Cathy who kept "accidentally" brushing her hand across my thigh.

Steve Tyler and Livvy got there late. Apparently Liv was having some problem with her hubby and Steven T. asked me privately if I would try to cheer her up. I complained about my spot at the card table and he said he would cover for me while I was gone adding that he wanted to have a private chit chat with Tom. He wants to take Nicole Kidman out to dinner and want to make sure that it "really, really over this time" before doing so. I said that was fair enough.

I took Liv for a walk on the moonlit beach of Casey Key while she held my hand and cried. I was easily able to cheer her up by suggesting we go to this McDonalds restaurant I know close to where I live and pee in the pickle bucket. We didn't actually do so. Instead I asked her if she would be willing to help me with my acting by reenacting the scene from Armageddon where she and Ben Affluck are having their "good-bye day" together.

She said yes. She'd be happy to. So we spent half the night with me running animal crackers up and down her navel. It was quite stimulating, although I don't think she was too happy by my suggestion of taking the Lion animal cracker and cutting "through the bush to the dark cavern."

Eh, can't win them all I guess.

This is what happens when you're a nobody.

And Now For Something Completely Different....

2004-07-05T23:29:00.000-04:00

I’ve always been something of an anglophile. No idea why but many aspects of English culture appeal to me. The literature, the music, pop culture. The list goes on and on.

CBC started airing Coronation Street in prime time for the summer. I think my penis actually twitched in excitement when I sat down after dinner one evening a few weeks ago and made that pleasant discovery. Best show on television.

My friends disavow knowing me and/or liking me whenever I talk about Coronation Street but I think it’s time that I came out of the closet. It feels better to have gotten it off my chest.

So go ahead, mock me. Laugh at the thirtysomething sexual miscreant with the British soap opera fetish. Tonight I’ll sleep blissfully knowing that my dark secret is out and I no longer have to switch the channel back to Entertainment Tonight or some such drivel should one of you walk unexpectedly into my living room one day.

Weeding Out The Evil

2004-07-01T18:24:00.000-04:00

Whoever suggested that ignoring bullies will make them go away was full of shit. Bullies become stalkers and they never go away. Unfortunately for me (Casey) I have had a group of people who've taken it upon themselves to inject themselvs into my life whenever they see an opportunity. It doesn't matter what I do one way or the other. I've ignored them for the last several months and still these sad, twisted pack of sick fuckers just cannot leave me alone. They obsess over me and my life...and even worse the people in my life.

Feel free to view their most recent efforts here: Cowards Anonymous. Of course in true fashion no one reveals their real name. They are all too pussy. So you will have to guess who is who. What I think it the most hilarious thing is that they openly want me to reply, retaliate or retort in some fashion. This is all I am going to give you losers...and it's only because I yanked the shitty comments section Blogger offers and replaced it with something that offers more control. Now I can ban, trace IPs, the usual stuff to see who is really behind it.

I really wish I could tell you what it's all supposed to be about, besides the obviously attacks on me and my defensless four year old son. I really don't know. I don't speak the language of psychopath. All I can do is keep adding the newest information to the ever growing file the Florida authorites have on these dimbulbs.

So go ahead "trinity", "star" or whatever coward alias you are hiding behind, leave me a comment. It'll be the last. :-)

Just like this post is the last. Find someone else to rub your pussies too...I have better things to do with my life. Something you could only ever dream to comprehend, because you cannot have, or be part of mine.

Now accepting questions...

2004-06-11T23:56:00.000-04:00

After lengthy negotiations, Satan himself has decided to answer submitted questions. If you would like to ask the red horned one a question, leave it in the comments section. He'll deliver an AudioLog in a few days with his replies.

Should be exciting.

Apu goes audio!!!

2004-06-11T16:58:00.000-04:00

Smooth?

2004-06-08T16:15:00.000-04:00

I've got a poll question. Who shaves? I imagine most if not all the women shave, wax, electrocute or laser, but what about the guys? I started trimming and/or shaving 'down there' when The Ex and me started with the whole swinger thing.

J2 got me thinking about this the other night when she asked me if I'd ever shaved my armpits or, more to the point, if I would.

"Shave my armpits? Wouldn't that hurt? My friends would laugh at me and beat me up." I joked. "Have you ever been with guys who shave their armpits?"

"Yeah, a few."

"I've never heard of such a thing. The world's gone mad."

In the end we compromised and I agreed to trim the underarm region. That's as Metro as I'm prepared to go. Do any other guys do this or is it all part of an elaborate practical joke she's orchestrating?

I still think my friends are going to laugh at me though.

A few bad apples

2004-06-05T22:34:00.000-04:00

I hated to do it, but for the time being I have adjusted the comments so that only registered blogger.com users may leave comments. Too many "Anonymous" people with completely inappropriate comments were leaving their slime trails behind.

I am thinking of changing the comment system to Haloscan because a) it's better and b) I can have troublemakers banned instead of having to impose limitations on everyone.

Polls...

2004-06-03T16:49:00.000-04:00

If we could do polls on this place, there ought to be one about rim jobs.

if you're in orange county..

2004-05-31T02:56:00.000-04:00

...go see this girl. she's amazing.

This Shit Is SO Embarrassing

2004-05-29T19:29:00.000-04:00

“I need to go make number two, now,” the old lady said, kind of sheepishly. “It’s okay, go ahead,” said Rose. They were both in the shower. Rose, in her 20s, the old lady in her 70s, naked and getting showered with a hose. So having received clearance, the old lady indeed went number two, and shit herself in the shower while she was on her feet, and Rose turned the hose on the crap and it went down the drain.

That story, told to me years ago by my friend, Rose is the most vivid thing I remember about her. She was a nursing student in the Bay Area. Worked a few nights a week at a home for the old folks. Showering them and washing out their shit and piss was de rigueur.

Years before that, a friend of an ex girlfriend relayed the following story: At college in Australia where he lived in the dorm, he took a shower one night and decided to piss right after. Standing there at the urinals, naked, he took his piss and decided to make a fart as well. The fart sat at the tip of his rectum and he gave it a push. His asshole acted like a bazooka, shit came out of it and slid down his leg to the tiled floor.

That very moment, the door opened and a bloke came in, ready to take a piss himself. “Oh fuck,” he said as he witnessed the spectacle that was my friend’s incontinence, and walked right out again. We will never know where he decided to pee.

We’re so mortified and embarrassed by shit. Ours and others. And really, should we be? We eat, we shit, and that’s a fact of life. Animals do it. Dogs shit everywhere their owners let them. No one screams or is embarrassed or wants to curl up in a ball and die. Certainly the dogs don’t. We have somehow over the passage of time, devolved into a race of beings embarrassed and afraid of our own bodily functions.

So shit with pride. Sit or squat upright and shit. Or if it’s your thing, stand and shit, too. Shit on a table. Shit on a sidewalk. Leave it out of the restaurants ‘cos it’s unsanitary but if you’re of the mind, shit on the bonnet of a parked BMW. Shit on the bus. Shit yourself, for god’s sake! It’s just shit!

And carry a box of baby wipes.

First Time

2004-05-29T18:58:00.000-04:00

I've often wondered if our first sexual experiences are indicative, or causal, of our future sexual preferences and proclivities. If I look back at mine I can see some pretty obvious correlations.

The first time I had intercourse was with one of my best friends girlfriends. My girlfriend at the time was passed out beside us and about ten other people were scattered about in varying states of consciousness. I distinctly remember the exhilaration I felt as I slide into a girl for the first time. I think the sensation was accentuated by the whole danger aspect of the situation. I also remember laughing as we fucked when my girlfriend started snoring.(Funny how we remember the little things.)

It was a whole lot of fun. That's probably the thing I remember best.

What about all you nice people? What was your first time like?

Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

2004-05-29T14:32:00.000-04:00

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday.

The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

The next time you decide to dig into that chicken pot pie, I would double check on the gravy consistancy, color, texture, etc. Especially those not processed in this country.

If fact, the next time I decide to visit Chongwe, Lusaka I am going to bring a whole dump truck full of African chicken pot pies and shout, "Free pot pies! Be the first to really get to know your neighbor just a little bit better!"

Apu Answer Question Again

2004-05-27T13:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Casey, Pete, and Darling Maggot,

I'm writing to you because I don't know who else can I write to. I asked for advice Dear Aby, Dear Samantha, Dear Nina, and plenty other Dears. And noone knew how to answer my question.

Let me talk about my problem. Here's the story.I'm twenty-four years old girl,really nice and charming one. For the last year I've been working as a nanny.I finish my job next month and I'm looking for a new one. I want to work in a kindergarten. So, what's the problem? The problem is that I've been a nanny of a sixteen-year-old boy. He's not mentally handicapped nor physically disabled. Nothing like that. So now I'm writing my resume and I don't know how to write it so that the potential employer treats me seriously. Maybe I shouldn't mention it at all. But it was all whole year.

If I were looking for a job as a massageur, no problem, but I wanna work as a teacher. What should I do? You're the only ones who can help me
love
Margaret

rsvp

Dear Margaret,

Oh dearie me. This do sound like serious problem. Apu try to help.

First off, Apu keep reading letter and asking himself, “Where is problem?” Employer only not take you seriously in your imagination. How come you think they treat you like joke because you be nanny for 16 yr old? And how come 16 yr old boy need nanny? Perhaps that is question Apu can ask and have answer.

But Apu believe in option. Apu say this: probably if you write boy’s age, people thinking boy is something wrong with him, maybe mental or physical. And people don’t ask because people sensitive or politically correct. But Apu also say: why you need to write boy’s age? Just say you nanny for however long, and leave it there. Leave employer name and number as reference. And finally Apu say: if you say boy retarded, who going to check? Nobody.

To be honest with you, Apu think you get over this and try not to be worrying. Until you see reason to be worried, treat this as just experience to be teacher as you love the job of nurturing teenager.

And now Apu want to know, you want to be nanny for 29 yr old? Apu not kid and don’t need much except he like sponge bath and being powdered down. Pls send pic and resume to moodstabilizer@hotmail.com.

Varnakam,
Apu

Apu Answer Your Question

2004-05-27T13:23:00.000-04:00

Hallo. My name is Apu from New Delhi and I come here to United State to work at gas station and sell soft drink. However back in India my job as professional is much more something else, and down there I am counselor and doctor of psychological. Thus I bringing here all my expertise and skill in answering your many question.

Today’s question is from Stolenswan, a Canadian female. She say:

First question: What is the coolest/sexiest way to pick up a guy?

I really have no problem in this department, it just seems a good a place as any to start.

Much love, boys.

Dear Stolenswan,

You don’t tell lies. If you really have no problem then why you ask? Be humble like Apu. Apu learn his humbleness from Gandhi.

Second, if this is New Delhi and girl like you want to know what is sexiest way to pick up guy, everybody gather around in circle and throw stone at you, okay?

But since this is United State, or maybe for you is Canada, I give you secret of pick up guys.

There is no big secret!

Yes it is true. Guys is very easy to pick up. You can go to guy and say, “Hallo you is cute, want to have sex?” and you have succeeded. But you want to know what is coolest or sexiest. I will say that coolest way to pick up guy is in Ferrari or limousine.

Hahaha. Apu make joke.

No, coolest way to pick up guy is let him know you are picking him up. Ask him if you can buy him drink. Say you tired of having to say no to all kind of fuck up boys so you prefer to have first choice. That’s very cool. Many a woman in a sari have pick up Apu like this, when all Apu was doing is having beer at tavern.

Sexiest way to pick up guy is ask him if he like to give pleasure to woman. Say is because you like to give pleasure to men. And then say you wish to engage in union of lingam and yoni, then proceed to go home and show him what Shakti and Shiva is all about.

But since we are on Internet, then coolest/sexiest way to pick up guy is email him photo after reading his blog.

Varnakam,
Apu

More coolness

2004-05-26T23:29:00.000-04:00

Stolenswan wants to know: What is the coolest way to pick up a guy?

Well, I guess I would have to ask any given male friend I know to accompany me to the nearest supermarket, ask him to walk into the beverage cooler, then ask him to lie down and benchpress the motherfucker.

Mission accomplished.

By the way Stolenswan, we have no image of you on file. Be a good bloke and send me one: casey.ravencop@gmail.com

Mad props to DM for the gmail invite. You fucking own.

Why I'm cooler

2004-05-25T02:08:00.000-04:00

Hello blog children. How the fuck are you all?

Today’s lesson in self-affirmation is about coolness and why I have more of it than You. During your participation, you too will imagine and discuss ways in which you are cooler than the next person.

For instance, I’m cooler than you because of my fucking iPod. Yes, that’s right, I own one and it’s cool. It’s cool to be hanging at a Starbucks with the tell-tale white earphones and the white wire disappearing into my pocket; a not-so-discreet ringer of an iPod owner. But if I wanted to be really obnoxious I’d stand the fucking unit on its dock right in the middle of the goddamn table, wouldn’t I?

I’m cooler than you because I use Macs. Yes, it’s true. Mac users are cooler in general because we’re the artistic, creative, imaginative types. We pay more money for our machines and dress in Banana Republic and make all these statements about how artists change the world, man, not politicians or leaders.

I’m cooler than you because when you’re dressed in The Gap, I’m in Banana Republics, A|X, and J.Crew all of which I got at the sale racks at the back of the store, and so even though I paid less for these linen drawstring cargo pants than you did for your little stone-washed denim jacket, I still appear cooler. And my money savvy also makes me cooler. And if I wanted to be even cooler I’d shop at Prada or Dolce & Gabana and just fucking slay you but I’m not shallow.

I’m cooler than you because I know how to bloody well use chopsticks.

I’m cooler than you because I’ve had the fmf threesome. More than once. Even more than twice. See how fucking cool I am?

And last of all, I’m cooler than you because I’m complicated and depressed. See, that makes me complex and desirable. And “interesting” and “neurotic”. Whereas you’re just average. Or “nice”, whatever the fuck that means. Sometimes when I’m depressed I cry when I see stuffed animals, like today. Sock monkeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy...

I have found the problem

2004-05-24T04:31:00.000-04:00

What I'd done, I'd written to the wrong email address--I'd mistakenly typed
"blogspot" instead of "blogger" as the domain.

If this has been posted, it means I've solved the issue.

I admit I had no idea how sexual my suggestion of penguins as a subject
matter would turn.

You guys would love the comic strip, Pokey the Penguin. If you don't know
it, Google. :D

Pete should post pics or something.

The First Topic Of Discussion?

2004-05-23T23:52:00.000-04:00

Darling Maggot (herein referred to as DM) says he could not get his post to appear, so I'mma give it a shot and see what happens.

Pete apparently is having a sex fettish with short little things in tuxedos.

Sex with flightless waterfoul?

Hmmmmm.

Considering the shit one has to eat in order to have sex with a real woman (while my pal Pete has his fucking choice...some guys have all the luck) I would have to wonder if I could bring myself to be turned on by life forms who consider jumping off ice into water colder than a witch's titty a recreational activity.

Now that I reflect upon it, most women I know take pleasure in the same activity.

So what would the difference be?

Mission Directives

2004-05-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

To my fellow Blogeteers, we must think of a format for our weblog. Something original from all that other "real world" garbage that is out there. My first thought was to pick a topic at random every few days to give us each a chance to have a go at it. Maybe a week to have time to make out statements, and then debate via comments...along with anyone else what wants to participate.

What do you guys think? ANy other suggestions? Now is the time to bring them up and choose. :)

Casey

On the third day...

2004-05-22T12:48:00.000-04:00

there was darling maggot, or b. a salty, nasty, dirty pirate type with a penchant for buggery and weed smoking. he wore cowboy boots and cussed an awful much, and went to great lengths to satisfy his appetite for cunny.

and they saw that he was a singular, no-good, gonzo sonofabitch, and welcomed him with open arms.

"the boy isn't mine," said the devil down below. "but i love him like he was one of my own."

On the second day...

2004-05-22T01:39:00.000-04:00

There was Pete.

And the world saw he was confused (and horny).

They told him to figure stuff out.

On the first day...

2004-05-21T16:22:00.000-04:00

There was Casey.

And the world saw he was bad

They told him to get the fuck out.