if you're in orange county..

...go see this girl. she's amazing.

This Shit Is SO Embarrassing

“I need to go make number two, now,” the old lady said, kind of sheepishly.  “It’s okay, go ahead,” said Rose.  They were both in the shower.  Rose, in her 20s, the old lady in her 70s, naked and getting showered with a hose.  So having received clearance, the old lady indeed went number two, and shit herself in the shower while she was on her feet, and Rose turned the hose on the crap and it went down the drain.

That story, told to me years ago by my friend, Rose is the most vivid thing I remember about her.  She was a nursing student in the Bay Area.  Worked a few nights a week at a home for the old folks.  Showering them and washing out their shit and piss was de rigueur.

Years before that, a friend of an ex girlfriend relayed the following story:  At college in Australia where he lived in the dorm, he took a shower one night and decided to piss right after.  Standing there at the urinals, naked, he took his piss and decided to make a fart as well.  The fart sat at the tip of his rectum and he gave it a push.  His asshole acted like a bazooka, shit came out of it and slid down his leg to the tiled floor.

That very moment, the door opened and a bloke came in, ready to take a piss himself.  “Oh fuck,” he said as he witnessed the spectacle that was my friend’s incontinence, and walked right out again.  We will never know where he decided to pee.

We’re so mortified and embarrassed by shit.  Ours and others.  And really, should we be?  We eat, we shit, and that’s a fact of life.  Animals do it.  Dogs shit everywhere their owners let them.  No one screams or is embarrassed or wants to curl up in a ball and die.  Certainly the dogs don’t.  We have somehow over the passage of time, devolved into a race of beings embarrassed and afraid of our own bodily functions.

So shit with pride.  Sit or squat upright and shit.  Or if it’s your thing, stand and shit, too.  Shit on a table.  Shit on a sidewalk.  Leave it out of the restaurants ‘cos it’s unsanitary but if you’re of the mind, shit on the bonnet of a parked BMW.  Shit on the bus.  Shit yourself, for god’s sake!  It’s just shit!

And carry a box of baby wipes.

First Time

I've often wondered if our first sexual experiences are indicative, or causal, of our future sexual preferences and proclivities. If I look back at mine I can see some pretty obvious correlations.

The first time I had intercourse was with one of my best friends girlfriends. My girlfriend at the time was passed out beside us and about ten other people were scattered about in varying states of consciousness. I distinctly remember the exhilaration I felt as I slide into a girl for the first time. I think the sensation was accentuated by the whole danger aspect of the situation. I also remember laughing as we fucked when my girlfriend started snoring.(Funny how we remember the little things.)

It was a whole lot of fun. That's probably the thing I remember best.

What about all you nice people? What was your first time like?

Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

LUSAKA (Reuters) - A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday.

The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.

"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.

The man from the town of Chongwe, about 50 km (30 miles) east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers.

The hen was slaughtered after the incident.

The next time you decide to dig into that chicken pot pie, I would double check on the gravy consistancy, color, texture, etc. Especially those not processed in this country.

If fact, the next time I decide to visit Chongwe, Lusaka I am going to bring a whole dump truck full of African chicken pot pies and shout, "Free pot pies! Be the first to really get to know your neighbor just a little bit better!"

Apu Answer Question Again

Dear Casey, Pete, and Darling Maggot,

I'm writing to you because I don't know who else can I write to. I asked for advice Dear Aby, Dear Samantha, Dear Nina, and plenty other Dears. And noone knew how to answer my question.

Let me talk about my problem. Here's the story.I'm twenty-four years old girl,really nice and charming one. For the last year I've been working as a nanny.I finish my job next month and I'm looking for a new one. I want to work in a kindergarten. So, what's the problem? The problem is that I've been a nanny of a sixteen-year-old boy. He's not mentally handicapped nor physically disabled. Nothing like that. So now I'm writing my resume and I don't know how to write it so that the potential employer treats me seriously. Maybe I shouldn't mention it at all. But it was all whole year.

If I were looking for a job as a massageur, no problem, but I wanna work as a teacher. What should I do? You're the only ones who can help me
love
Margaret

rsvp

Dear Margaret,

Oh dearie me.  This do sound like serious problem.  Apu try to help.

First off, Apu keep reading letter and asking himself, “Where is problem?”  Employer only not take you seriously in your imagination.  How come you think they treat you like joke because you be nanny for 16 yr old?  And how come 16 yr old boy need nanny?  Perhaps that is question Apu can ask and have answer.

But Apu believe in option.  Apu say this: probably if you write boy’s age, people thinking boy is something wrong with him, maybe mental or physical.  And people don’t ask because people sensitive or politically correct.  But Apu also say: why you need to write boy’s age?  Just say you nanny for however long, and leave it there.  Leave employer name and number as reference.  And finally Apu say: if you say boy retarded, who going to check?  Nobody.

To be honest with you, Apu think you get over this and try not to be worrying.  Until you see reason to be worried, treat this as just experience to be teacher as you love the job of nurturing teenager.

And now Apu want to know, you want to be nanny for 29 yr old?  Apu not kid and don’t need much except he like sponge bath and being powdered down.  Pls send pic and resume to moodstabilizer@hotmail.com.

Varnakam,
Apu

Apu Answer Your Question

Hallo.  My name is Apu from New Delhi and I come here to United State to work at gas station and sell soft drink.  However back in India my job as professional is much more something else, and down there I am counselor and doctor of psychological.  Thus I bringing here all my expertise and skill in answering your many question.

Today’s question is from Stolenswan, a Canadian female.  She say:

First question: What is the coolest/sexiest way to pick up a guy?

I really have no problem in this department, it just seems a good a place as any to start.

Much love, boys.

Dear Stolenswan,

You don’t tell lies.  If you really have no problem then why you ask?  Be humble like Apu.  Apu learn his humbleness from Gandhi.

Second, if this is New Delhi and girl like you want to know what is sexiest way to pick up guy, everybody gather around in circle and throw stone at you, okay?

But since this is United State, or maybe for you is Canada, I give you secret of pick up guys.

There is no big secret!

Yes it is true.  Guys is very easy to pick up.  You can go to guy and say, “Hallo you is cute, want to have sex?” and you have succeeded.  But you want to know what is coolest or sexiest.  I will say that coolest way to pick up guy is in Ferrari or limousine.

Hahaha.  Apu make joke.

No, coolest way to pick up guy is let him know you are picking him up.  Ask him if you can buy him drink.  Say you tired of having to say no to all kind of fuck up boys so you prefer to have first choice.  That’s very cool.  Many a woman in a sari have pick up Apu like this, when all Apu was doing is having beer at tavern.

Sexiest way to pick up guy is ask him if he like to give pleasure to woman.  Say is because you like to give pleasure to men.  And then say you wish to engage in union of lingam and yoni, then proceed to go home and show him what Shakti and Shiva is all about.

But since we are on Internet, then coolest/sexiest way to pick up guy is email him photo after reading his blog.

Varnakam,
Apu

More coolness

Stolenswan wants to know: What is the coolest way to pick up a guy?

Well, I guess I would have to ask any given male friend I know to accompany me to the nearest supermarket, ask him to walk into the beverage cooler, then ask him to lie down and benchpress the motherfucker.

Mission accomplished.

By the way Stolenswan, we have no image of you on file. Be a good bloke and send me one: casey.ravencop@gmail.com

Mad props to DM for the gmail invite. You fucking own.

Why I'm cooler

Hello blog children.  How the fuck are you all?

Today’s lesson in self-affirmation is about coolness and why I have more of it than You.  During your participation, you too will imagine and discuss ways in which you are cooler than the next person.

For instance, I’m cooler than you because of my fucking iPod.  Yes, that’s right, I own one and it’s cool.  It’s cool to be hanging at a Starbucks with the tell-tale white earphones and the white wire disappearing into my pocket; a not-so-discreet ringer of an iPod owner.  But if I wanted to be really obnoxious I’d stand the fucking unit on its dock right in the middle of the goddamn table, wouldn’t I?

I’m cooler than you because I use Macs.  Yes, it’s true.  Mac users are cooler in general because we’re the artistic, creative, imaginative types.  We pay more money for our machines and dress in Banana Republic and make all these statements about how artists change the world, man, not politicians or leaders.

I’m cooler than you because when you’re dressed in The Gap, I’m in Banana Republics, A|X, and J.Crew all of which I got at the sale racks at the back of the store, and so even though I paid less for these linen drawstring cargo pants than you did for your little stone-washed denim jacket, I still appear cooler.  And my money savvy also makes me cooler.  And if I wanted to be even cooler I’d shop at Prada or Dolce & Gabana and just fucking slay you but I’m not shallow.

I’m cooler than you because I know how to bloody well use chopsticks.

I’m cooler than you because I’ve had the fmf threesome.  More than once.  Even more than twice.  See how fucking cool I am?

And last of all, I’m cooler than you because I’m complicated and depressed.  See, that makes me complex and desirable.  And “interesting” and “neurotic”.  Whereas you’re just average.  Or “nice”, whatever the fuck that means.  Sometimes when I’m depressed I cry when I see stuffed animals, like today.  Sock monkeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy...

I have found the problem

What I'd done, I'd written to the wrong email address--I'd mistakenly typed
"blogspot" instead of "blogger" as the domain.

If this has been posted, it means I've solved the issue.

I admit I had no idea how sexual my suggestion of penguins as a subject
matter would turn.

You guys would love the comic strip, Pokey the Penguin. If you don't know
it, Google. :D

Pete should post pics or something.

The First Topic Of Discussion?

Darling Maggot (herein referred to as DM) says he could not get his post to appear, so I'mma give it a shot and see what happens.

Pete apparently is having a sex fettish with short little things in tuxedos.

Sex with flightless waterfoul?

Hmmmmm.

Considering the shit one has to eat in order to have sex with a real woman (while my pal Pete has his fucking choice...some guys have all the luck) I would have to wonder if I could bring myself to be turned on by life forms who consider jumping off ice into water colder than a witch's titty a recreational activity.

Now that I reflect upon it, most women I know take pleasure in the same activity.

So what would the difference be?

Mission Directives

To my fellow Blogeteers, we must think of a format for our weblog. Something original from all that other "real world" garbage that is out there. My first thought was to pick a topic at random every few days to give us each a chance to have a go at it. Maybe a week to have time to make out statements, and then debate via comments...along with anyone else what wants to participate.

What do you guys think? ANy other suggestions? Now is the time to bring them up and choose. :)

Casey

On the third day...

there was darling maggot, or b. a salty, nasty, dirty pirate type with a penchant for buggery and weed smoking. he wore cowboy boots and cussed an awful much, and went to great lengths to satisfy his appetite for cunny.

and they saw that he was a singular, no-good, gonzo sonofabitch, and welcomed him with open arms.

"the boy isn't mine," said the devil down below. "but i love him like he was one of my own."

On the second day...

There was Pete.

And the world saw he was confused (and horny).

They told him to figure stuff out.

On the first day...

There was Casey.

And the world saw he was bad

They told him to get the fuck out.