This Shit Is SO Embarrassing

“I need to go make number two, now,” the old lady said, kind of sheepishly.  “It’s okay, go ahead,” said Rose.  They were both in the shower.  Rose, in her 20s, the old lady in her 70s, naked and getting showered with a hose.  So having received clearance, the old lady indeed went number two, and shit herself in the shower while she was on her feet, and Rose turned the hose on the crap and it went down the drain.

That story, told to me years ago by my friend, Rose is the most vivid thing I remember about her.  She was a nursing student in the Bay Area.  Worked a few nights a week at a home for the old folks.  Showering them and washing out their shit and piss was de rigueur.

Years before that, a friend of an ex girlfriend relayed the following story:  At college in Australia where he lived in the dorm, he took a shower one night and decided to piss right after.  Standing there at the urinals, naked, he took his piss and decided to make a fart as well.  The fart sat at the tip of his rectum and he gave it a push.  His asshole acted like a bazooka, shit came out of it and slid down his leg to the tiled floor.

That very moment, the door opened and a bloke came in, ready to take a piss himself.  “Oh fuck,” he said as he witnessed the spectacle that was my friend’s incontinence, and walked right out again.  We will never know where he decided to pee.

We’re so mortified and embarrassed by shit.  Ours and others.  And really, should we be?  We eat, we shit, and that’s a fact of life.  Animals do it.  Dogs shit everywhere their owners let them.  No one screams or is embarrassed or wants to curl up in a ball and die.  Certainly the dogs don’t.  We have somehow over the passage of time, devolved into a race of beings embarrassed and afraid of our own bodily functions.

So shit with pride.  Sit or squat upright and shit.  Or if it’s your thing, stand and shit, too.  Shit on a table.  Shit on a sidewalk.  Leave it out of the restaurants ‘cos it’s unsanitary but if you’re of the mind, shit on the bonnet of a parked BMW.  Shit on the bus.  Shit yourself, for god’s sake!  It’s just shit!

And carry a box of baby wipes.