Nobody

The nicest thing about being a nobody is that I'm the most well known nobody there is. People come up to me all the time saying, "I don't know you, do I?" To this I will shake my head and say, "Sorry, never seen you either."

Difference is, I get it all the time. Sometimes I think I have this aura about me that says Hey, nobody here knows me, you should say 'hi' and mention that fact.

Women seem to notice this fact more than anyone else. Sometimes I'll pass one, nod at one or wink at one and the last thing I'll hear is, "You are the biggest nobody I've ever seen." Mary-Kate Olsen said this to me one time and I told her, "Well at least I have a body, what's your excuse?"

She checked herself into the some clinic the next day. So sad when that happens.

Last night I purchased a Chick-Fil-A Charbroiled chicken sandwich and then went across the street to McDonalds to eat it. I don't know why people were looking at me funny. Must have been that 'nobody' complex of mine. The little 18 year old girl who was running the place at the time came over to me and suggested that I either buy something on their menu or to please leave. I asked her why on this Earth would I want to put anything MickyD's has to offer inside my body? She didn't reply right away, only blinking at me several times as if her brain had to reboot or something. Finally she insisted I could not eat my Chick-Fil-A sandwich in her restaurant. I asked why. She said that it was not proper. I asked her when proper made any kind of difference specifically pointing out the fact that she had at least five pierced areas on her face and that if I had walked into the store with my old friend Magneto that her place would no longer be on her knees in the back office sucking the cock of the newest dishwasher to be hired by the almighty Arches.

Then she threatened to call the police and I knew that this was my que to leave. I love chicken, beef is okay, but most pork products usually have me barfing in a matter of minutes.

With time to kill I drove at to Casey Key (seriously, there is such a place off the Florida Suncoast where I live. I am not making it up. If you don't believe me, look at this web page) to see if Stephen King was in town. The security guard at the gated entrance usually lets me in off season because my name is the same as the island's.

I knocked on Stevie's door a few times till he opened it, dressed in the discolored robs he typically wears when not expecting company. "Oh, Casey. What do you want?" He asked.

"Nothing, I'm bored. Thought maybe you'd like to play a round of horseshoes or something." I said. Stephen leaned in his doorway and pondered my suggestion.

"Well," he began. "I don't feel at all up to getting dressed again. I just had a shower. Maybe you'd like to play some cards instead? We could get some guys together for some Hearts or Spades."

"Works for me. Who did you have in mind?"

"Well, I know Steven Tyler is in town. He lives just up the road there," King said in his noticeably Maine accent, pointing up the road.

"Eh, Aerosmith sucks." I interrupted.

"True," King agreed. "But Steve Tyler is one hell of a nice guy, plus I know he's got Liv over for the weekend."

"Say no more." I said sternly putting my hand on his should.

King smiled. "Yeah, I thought you might like that. I could also get a hold of Joyce Brothers, Monica Seles, Tom Cruise and maybe Michael Douglas."

"Skip the doc and the tennis gal," I said. "I used to be neighbors with Monica when I lived in Laurel Oak. She doesn't play cards. Tom might be fun and Mikey can come only if he brings Cathy with him."

"Let's do it then," King said. "Come on in while I make a few phone calls."

And this is how I dropped Tom Cruise by making him eat the Queen of Spades three time in a row. The forth time the fucker Shot The Moon with Mikey helping him on the side. It didn't matter though. I got to sit next to Cathy who kept "accidentally" brushing her hand across my thigh.

Steve Tyler and Livvy got there late. Apparently Liv was having some problem with her hubby and Steven T. asked me privately if I would try to cheer her up. I complained about my spot at the card table and he said he would cover for me while I was gone adding that he wanted to have a private chit chat with Tom. He wants to take Nicole Kidman out to dinner and want to make sure that it "really, really over this time" before doing so. I said that was fair enough.

I took Liv for a walk on the moonlit beach of Casey Key while she held my hand and cried. I was easily able to cheer her up by suggesting we go to this McDonalds restaurant I know close to where I live and pee in the pickle bucket. We didn't actually do so. Instead I asked her if she would be willing to help me with my acting by reenacting the scene from Armageddon where she and Ben Affluck are having their "good-bye day" together.

She said yes. She'd be happy to. So we spent half the night with me running animal crackers up and down her navel. It was quite stimulating, although I don't think she was too happy by my suggestion of taking the Lion animal cracker and cutting "through the bush to the dark cavern."

Eh, can't win them all I guess.

This is what happens when you're a nobody.

And Now For Something Completely Different....

I’ve always been something of an anglophile. No idea why but many aspects of English culture appeal to me. The literature, the music, pop culture. The list goes on and on.

CBC started airing Coronation Street in prime time for the summer. I think my penis actually twitched in excitement when I sat down after dinner one evening a few weeks ago and made that pleasant discovery. Best show on television.

My friends disavow knowing me and/or liking me whenever I talk about Coronation Street but I think it’s time that I came out of the closet. It feels better to have gotten it off my chest.

So go ahead, mock me. Laugh at the thirtysomething sexual miscreant with the British soap opera fetish. Tonight I’ll sleep blissfully knowing that my dark secret is out and I no longer have to switch the channel back to Entertainment Tonight or some such drivel should one of you walk unexpectedly into my living room one day.

Weeding Out The Evil

Whoever suggested that ignoring bullies will make them go away was full of shit. Bullies become stalkers and they never go away. Unfortunately for me (Casey) I have had a group of people who've taken it upon themselves to inject themselvs into my life whenever they see an opportunity. It doesn't matter what I do one way or the other. I've ignored them for the last several months and still these sad, twisted pack of sick fuckers just cannot leave me alone. They obsess over me and my life...and even worse the people in my life.

Feel free to view their most recent efforts here: Cowards Anonymous. Of course in true fashion no one reveals their real name. They are all too pussy. So you will have to guess who is who. What I think it the most hilarious thing is that they openly want me to reply, retaliate or retort in some fashion. This is all I am going to give you losers...and it's only because I yanked the shitty comments section Blogger offers and replaced it with something that offers more control. Now I can ban, trace IPs, the usual stuff to see who is really behind it.

I really wish I could tell you what it's all supposed to be about, besides the obviously attacks on me and my defensless four year old son. I really don't know. I don't speak the language of psychopath. All I can do is keep adding the newest information to the ever growing file the Florida authorites have on these dimbulbs.

So go ahead "trinity", "star" or whatever coward alias you are hiding behind, leave me a comment. It'll be the last. :-)

Just like this post is the last. Find someone else to rub your pussies too...I have better things to do with my life. Something you could only ever dream to comprehend, because you cannot have, or be part of mine.

Now accepting questions...

After lengthy negotiations, Satan himself has decided to answer submitted questions. If you would like to ask the red horned one a question, leave it in the comments section. He'll deliver an AudioLog in a few days with his replies.

Should be exciting.

Apu goes audio!!!

Smooth?

I've got a poll question. Who shaves? I imagine most if not all the women shave, wax, electrocute or laser, but what about the guys? I started trimming and/or shaving 'down there' when The Ex and me started with the whole swinger thing.

J2 got me thinking about this the other night when she asked me if I'd ever shaved my armpits or, more to the point, if I would.

"Shave my armpits? Wouldn't that hurt? My friends would laugh at me and beat me up." I joked. "Have you ever been with guys who shave their armpits?"

"Yeah, a few."

"I've never heard of such a thing. The world's gone mad."

In the end we compromised and I agreed to trim the underarm region. That's as Metro as I'm prepared to go. Do any other guys do this or is it all part of an elaborate practical joke she's orchestrating?

I still think my friends are going to laugh at me though.

A few bad apples

I hated to do it, but for the time being I have adjusted the comments so that only registered blogger.com users may leave comments. Too many "Anonymous" people with completely inappropriate comments were leaving their slime trails behind.

I am thinking of changing the comment system to Haloscan because a) it's better and b) I can have troublemakers banned instead of having to impose limitations on everyone.

Polls...

If we could do polls on this place, there ought to be one about rim jobs.